Thursday, January 29, 2015

Do the right thing!

A little inspiration and encouragement for you today, friend. 

My father-in-law is known for giving out this advice, except when he says it (he's from Brooklyn, NY) it sounds like, "Uh, do the right ting."

Have a great day, and surprise someone with an unexpected kindness. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Fear not! You CAN overcome the pain of rejection.

Do you have regrets? I do. But the biggest one in my life was not of my making. 

I regret circumstances that injured me. The pain of a past betrayal and rejection nearly did me in. 

Someone once said I was broken, but that's not true. I was was shattered, but I still carried on. 

One of those home remodeling shows featured a mirrored wall that had to be removed. To do that, they put a film of adhesive over the mirror and then broke the mirror to remove it. Like that mirror, I was broken but still in one piece. 

That I could still rise every day and go about the business of living was miraculous. Truly. It was the hand of God and the love of my husband and children that kept me engaged in life. It was little bits of encouragement that prodded me on. 

Still, I looked back. I looked at the past and dwelled on the pain. But I've learned that if you spend time looking back, you don't make much progress going forward--and I really wanted to move forward. I wish I could say within months I'd moved on. But that would be untrue. 

It took me years to shake off the feelings of shame and loss. Years before I could admit to others what had happened. Years before I could shake the feeling of being not good enough for others. 

Friend, I don't want it to take that long for you to move forward.

Through that experience I've learned six ways to recover from rejection:

  1. Cling to your faith. When you find yourself in a world with a shifted reality it's comforting to know that God never changes. He loves you and wants the best for you. 
  2. Trust that God will see you through it. In the immediate months following my betrayal, upon waking a song of praise or a scripture verse would begin to play through my mind. What a blessing! That gift from God allowed me to crawl out of bed and begin my day.
  3. Don't allow the situation to define you. Realize that the hurtful behavior that broke your heart says more about your betrayer than yourself. 
  4. Live in the present. Spend time with loved ones and good friends. They are the people who count, and they don't see you as someone unworthy or unlovable. They are the mirrors that reflect our true selves. 
  5. Walk bravely toward the future. Keep moving forward. Choose to believe that happiness and purpose will be a part of your life. You still have a future. You still have goals. You still have dreams. Claim your future, and work toward your goals, and your dreams.
  6. Forgive. Yup. That's a hard one. Forgiveness means giving up the desire to clear your reputation. It means you stop wanting something from the one who hurt you (something you'll never get anyway). It frees you from having that person living in your head. 
I may add to that list as time passes. After all, it's a learning experience, and I'm still learning. 

You may wonder why I put forgiveness at the bottom of the list. It's not because it's least important. It's because forgiveness takes time. Yes, you should forgive. You can say you forgive. You can want to forgive. But it takes time for your emotions to catch up with your desire. Forgiveness needs to marinate. At least it did for me. You have to give your heart time to heal, and with healing comes the ability to separate yourself from the hurt. 

I have called myself a prisoner of hope for many years now. I never explained that designation, but it was because I deliberately chose hope in my darkest days. If you're suffering from a betrayal or a rejection, may I make a suggestion? Choose a new name for yourself, even if you keep it private. That small shift in thinking will help. One day after another will pass, and eventually you'll realize that you're not emotionally tied to the pain of your past. You'll be an overcomer!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Small Kindnesses are Better than Promising Words

I used to have a friend who seemingly was a very caring woman. She'd offer to extend kindnesses that made you feel ever-so-special. She'd tell you what she'd like to do for you . . .

But she never seemed to follow through.

After suffering through a few bouts of disappointment, I moved on -- all the wiser for my naivety. But also all the wiser for being careful of what I offer.

Being nice takes more effort than offering kind words.

I've discovered that often it's the small kindness that have meaning for me. I truly appreciate when someone holds a door for me or shares some excess from a summer garden. I have a friend who buys books by authors she knows at second-hand stores and either gives them away or leaves them to be picked up. As an author, that's a blessing. It's like a personal introduction to a new reader.

A few years ago my children were talking about things that they appreciated from their childhood. My youngest daughter recalled an incident when there was a book swap at school. She selected one of her favorite books for the project. Within an hour she had book-swapper's remorse. After lunch she rushed to the book room to find her book before someone else claimed it. She was too late. That night, cried herself to sleep.

The next day she when she returned home from school, her favorite book was sitting on her bed. After she'd gone to school, I bought another copy to replace the one she gave away. This small consideration meant the world to her, and she still remembers how happy and loved she felt to have that book again. But the thing is, I don't remember this incident at all. It was a small deed to me, but it meant the world to her.

We often don't realize how a small kindness, a simple deed, will impact someone. All it takes is a little consideration and a few moments of your time. It's worth it. And you never know what it might mean to someone else.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

A 36-Year Adventure AKA Principles for Creating a Happy Marriage

What were you doing 36 years ago today? I was starting the rest of my life.

Yes, a Greyhound bus. The beginning of our adventure.
At the time, I thought I was all grown up. But looking back, I was so young, only 23 years old.

I probably wasn’t unusual in not realizing exactly what I was agreeing to when I said, “I do.” (Who knows what the future holds?)

I was in love. Still am.

I was seeking a grand adventure. Got that!

I was looking for a happily ever after. Got that too. However, since then I’ve realized happily ever after doesn’t occur without a bit of intentional living.

Yes, after living a day-by-day life with my husband, I’ve come to understand that I may not know everything, but when it comes to marriage—especially my marriage—I’m an expert. There are some principles that I’ve learned in the past three-plus decades that have helped to make my marriage work.

  1. Faith + marriage = happiness. We were in love but didn't really consider marriage until we got serious about God. Once our priorities were established, our life unfolded in a beautiful, blessed way I would have never imagined. Through better or worse, when you both serve the same God and have the same values, you've got a compass to keep you moving in the right direction, together.
  2. Your marriage must be a priority. You’ve got to place your marriage on a pedestal and keep it shiny and protect it against all the world throws at two people who are just trying to make a go of it. No one else (except your spouse) cares about your marriage. If it’s going to be a success, it’s got to be a priority. Give your spouse the best—the best of your time, the best of your attention, the best of your attitude.
  3.  Let it go. Don’t pick, pick, pick. Guess what? After living with someone for more than a few months you pick up on their quirks. Nagging is counterproductive, and no one wants to be around a nag. It’s a waste of time and a drain on emotions. The crazy thing is that we often want to pick on inconsequential behavior. Here’s my dirty little secret: I once was annoyed with my husband because after he did the laundry and put all the clothes away, he left the dresser drawers open by ½ inch! The nerve of him. I had to close those drawers! It took me about 15 seconds to realize how stupid my complaint was. Besides, I know I’m not perfect either.
  4.  Be nice. Of all the people in your world, you should treat your spouse best. Period.
  5.  Don’t flirt with anyone except your husband. Enough said.
  6.  Laugh together, every day. If you can find humor in the day-to-day business of living as well as the down-and-out moments we all have, you’ll make your day and your marriage brighter.
  7.  Respect one another. This is especially a biggie for men. They equate respect with love. Respect fuels and warms a relationship.
  8.  Don’t compare. No marriage is alike. Just because you friend’s husband buys her flowers weekly doesn’t mean they have a happier marriage. My honey is not a flower-buying guy, but at the beginning of the week he makes sure my car is fueled and I’ve got washer fluid in the reservoir. That may not be the grandest romantic gesture, but it does it for me.
  9.  Being right isn’t so important. Too easily little disagreements can blow out of proportion. No one is 100% right all the time. Not you, not your husband. So suck it up and button your lip. This falls under the pick-your-battle category. Give yourself a break, and give up stupid disagreements.
  10.  Never speak poorly about your husband. Never. Never. Never. This goes back to principle #3 and principle #4.
  11.  It’s not all rainbows and unicorns, and that’s okay. That’s life. Marriage, like life, has its ups and downs. Some days are just so-so, and that’s normal. Deal with it.
  12. Someone has to keep a cool head. When troubles come or a challenge presents itself, you both can’t let emotions rule. Somebody has to keep a cool head. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s your honey. Emotions fuel unexpected consequences. Cool it.
  13.  Hang out together. Find something to enjoy with one another. Go for walks. Do the dishes together. Watch a TV series together and chat about it. Keep talking and keep doing stuff together. Even if it's not the most exciting stuff, you're being a couple.
  14.  Express gratitude. No one likes to feel take for granted. Say the words, “thank you!”
  15.  Remember fun moments. Sometimes one of us will bring up a happy memory. It’s good practice to recall the good times, it gives you a warm feeling and a stronger connection to your husband. Shared good memories cement a relationship. 
  16. Expect the good times to continue. Find something to look forward to together. If you expect more happy moments to occur and more wonderful memories to be made, you’re moving in the right direction, together.
*This list would not be possible without the pleasure and honor of being married to my darling husband. 

Thursday, January 08, 2015

Forgiveness is possible

I saw this quote and knew I had to share it. What I want you to realize is that forgiveness is possible. Truly. And once you reach that place, you're the one who benefits.

Finally, after nearly 20 years, I'm able to admit to the pain I suffered when people I had loved and trusted no longer wanted me in their lives. 

For a long time it was my secret. I feared others would look at me and find me unlovable as well. Disposable. 

It took me nearly a dozen years to realize their treatment of me spoke to their character, not mine. 

As I've admitted before, I knew it was my duty to forgive, so I became a serial forgiver. Forgiveness was not a once-and-done experience. I had to continually forgive those who had hurt me. Each time I chose to forgive, it cost me. I had to give up, little by little, the desire for an apology and the longing to have my reputation restored.

Finally, I feel that debt is fulfilled. My forgiveness no longer costs me pain. There's no lingering shame or ache when those people come to mind. My eyes no long sting with unwanted tears. Well, maybe just a little. 

Many years ago I gave that pain to God. He knew what betrayal felt like. He understood. But it took me years and years to come to grips with it all. And if I did it, so can you. 

I pray you have a fully forgiving heart in 2015. Isn't it about time? 

Forgive, and set yourself free!

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Publishing Industry News

Time to check out the January edition of Novel Rocket's industry news. There's some interesting news and some fun tidbits for book lovers. Find it here!